Yeah, Yeah I know it's been awhile. But honestly I've been too busy living life to stop and write about it. I've thought about committing to writing an entry every day, but do you guys really want to hear: Went to work, Stressed at work, came home to fight out homework with J-man, talked on the phone with B, went to bed, lather, rinse, repeat?? Didn't think so...so in actuality I'm doing you a favor in saving you from that. You can thank me with bottles of wine or chocolates or both.
So what prompted me to write this post today? The answer is simple. CurvyGirl still has some issues that she thought she was over. So after my most recent break up with R, I took some time (almost a year) and just stayed single made sure I was comfortable with myself. Told myself I was secure in myself and certainly secure enough to be on my own. And that was the truth. Still is...for the most part...or so I thought. And then this week happened.
But before I tell you about this week, let me lay the background. B and I have spent time together pretty much every week the only exception being when J-man and I went out of town for the holidays and then the following week when snowy weather made it too risky for either of us to drive to visit the other. But we did have a fabulous time together on New Year's Eve and everything seemed to be going wonderfully. Then I made a rookie mistake and talked to him about a vacation that I was planning for 6 months from now and mentioned that if he was still around he could maybe join us. Now, before you go thinking that I've completely lost my mind, B had already brought up the fact that he would have several days of vacation time from work for us to take some trips together. Did you hear me?? HE brought it up FIRST!!! But somehow, when I brought it up (even though I prefaced it with the fact that it was early in the relationship to be talking about it) it was weird. At first it was fine and then as the conversation went on it just got weird. It ended with me saying for him to just forget I brought it up. Why I didn't listen to the little voice in my head that warned me about bringing it up I just don't know.
For the next few days I felt totally awkward. I debated not calling or texting him at all, but then I reminded myself that I needed to behave like I meant it when I said I wasn't mad. Which to be honest I was a little miffed because I opened the entire conversation with the fact that it was early and then somehow by the end he felt he needed to tell me the same thing...which I reminded him I had already said. Not to mention the fact that HE brought up the idea of going on vacation together FIRST!!! (Yes, I know I already said that, but I feels that it bears repeating).
Which brings us to this week. The contact with B has been less than our norm...he told me that he's had to work more hours as the workload at his job has increased significantly. But I'll be damned if that little voice inside me - the one that still refers to us as FatGirl and not the more lovable (100lb lighter) CurvyGirl - didn't start yapping in my ear that I had blown it in my enthusiasm over a vacation and that he was just trying to politely fade out of my life. It's astonishing how quickly those old insecurities crept up. Now, some of that has to do with some of the other men I've talked to briefly. The last 3 guys (before meeting B) all just stopped returning phone calls/text when they decided they weren't interested. Couldn't manage a simple "I'm not interested in talking anymore" or even a "Leave me alone". Just nothing. Until after the 2nd unanswered message I got the clue that they were no longer wanting to pursue things further. The absolute lack of respect that behavior demonstrates is a post for another day, but I bring it up to illustrate what my most recent experiences had been and how they played a role in my feelings over the past week. And let me tell you, it's been quite the week...I really like this guy, so I went from being bummed that things might be ending..not to the point of tears and sad music or anything, but still disappointed...to feelings of embarrassment. I couldn't help but think "Seriously??? I just posted our first picture together on Facebook." And you all know what that post means... I was essentially announcing to hundreds of my closest friends and family that there's a new guy.
Now throughout the week, I'd get the occasional message from him but they were mostly in response to mine. Then he called the other day to vent about a situation. After we hung up, I found myself giving reassurances: "See? Clearly he wants to still be connected. He wouldn't have called and shared all of this otherwise" Of course "FatGirl" had to chime in to remind me that it could be he just needed to vent and not to read too much into it. Then tonight he calls. Said he just wanted to talk to me before he went to bed. He's worked 17 hours of overtime this week already and that doesn't even include the extra 11 hours he'll be putting in tomorrow. Said he missed being able to talk with me but with the early mornings and long and extremely busy work days, he was just exhausted by the time he would get home each night. He was starting to fall asleep on the phone as we were talking. I can't tell you how relieved I was to have him call and hear all of that. To quote a movie "And just like that, she is loved again" (please don't ask me which movie it's from, I've been wracking my brain trying to remember and I can't.)
So while things are fine with B, this whole (non)situation sheds light on something I think many of us women are guilty of. We rely too heavily on external validation. I know I'm a good person, and worthy of being with a good man. But the second I even slightly thought things were going wrong, I started moving into crisis mode. Started planning on how to mitigate damages and get over it. Little did I know, there was nothing to "get over"...other than these (apparently) lingering insecurities. If anyone has any suggestions on how to fix it, I'm open to hearing it. In the meantime, I'm just glad I didn't act on any of those thoughts by saying something to him thus threatening what is starting to shape up as a really good thing...
